He Makes Me Wanna Scream

**WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT

Sometime in the not so distant past I found myself in a very real physical disposition that made me want to yell and scream.  Now four years later there is a new sound…a new scream.  Take a walk with me as I share this transformation.

 “He Makes Me Wanna Scream”

He grabbed the back of my neck with his left hand, pulling me close.  Kissing first my right ear whispering the words, “I love you and I want to be with you tonight”.  Slowly moving from my ear, to my cheek, finally his lips met mine all the while never releasing his right hand from my waist.  Passionately pressing his lips against mine guiding our bodies towards the bed, he ran his hand down my thigh and I gasped yearning for relief from the fire burning deep within.  

My body was tense with anticipation but my mind tried to reason. “He doesn’t really love you.  His only desire is for the moment” were the words that entertained my thoughts, as his hand disappeared in a dense ocean.  Before I knew it I couldn’t catch my breath.  Tears rolled down my face towards my ears as I lay on my back whimpering with pleasure and pain.  

He whispered, “Do you want me to stop” but I couldn’t answer.  Adjusting his position, he reared back slightly, asking me to open my eyes and look at him.  When my eyes met his, he asked again sternly, “Do you want me to stop”.  I shook my head and murmured, “No, please don’t stop”.  He reached up and began to wipe the tears from my eyes as he gently caressed my womanly cave.  Finally, my body began to convulse and I was escalating into an explosive erotica.  I never dreamed of giving in to this man or allowing him to invade my sacred walls but here I lay totally under his reign, captivated by his love.  Or was it lust?

As you read this you may wonder, “Why would this woman of God share such explicit details of an intimate encounter?  Why would she dangle such tantalizing things, charging our minds to reflect or possibly tempt the weak flesh”? In all honesty, I fought with God about sharing not just this experience but ESPECIALLY exposing this moment from my past.  It was a time of extreme vulnerability.   

With more than eight years lacking intimate involvement with a man, God delivered me from one situation by shaking me out of my sleep one night saying, “Come out!  I have a husband for you”.  I woke, startled and afraid as God pierced my soul asking me to walk with him in faith.  He wanted me to totally trust Him.  God gave instructions for me to leave my relationship and allow Him time to heal me.  He wanted nothing more but to mend the broken pieces of my life.  God had no desire to continue watching as I ran in fear, never living a moment at peace, knowing I was safe.  So He asked if He could be the one to love me for a while.  

My responses were, “How could I give up my relationship?  How could I hurt someone I loved so deeply by walking away from them?  How could I start over”?  I was ashamed of where I was, hesitant and afraid of this scary place and even more afraid to let go.

But now four years later as I look upon this same scenario I see how God transformed me playing the role of my “NEW MAN”.  He grabs me each day pulling and holding me close to His bosom letting me know that He loves me.  He stays with me each night wrapping His arms around me.  He kisses me gently and guides daily through each day.  God ignites a passion and desire to seek Him more and more every day. 

However, there are times when anxiety settles in and I question and even reject the thought that He truly does love me.  It sometimes feels that he is only there for a moment but God dives deep into the core of my soul stirring all manner of thoughts of my past, present and even shedding light on the future He designed and desires for me.  Though I know there will be times of pleasure, I am certain that my walk in faith will most assuredly be met with pain.  

When the going gets tough and I want to stop God reminds me that He loves me.  He sends confirmations of His love in the wind, the rain, the air, and my children.  He is always a gentleman, never rushing me.  Instead, he meets me where I am.  God adjusts His position making sure He is always able to see me and that I can vividly see Him.   When I realize He’s looking I am again overwhelmed.  I made the choice to be naked before God.  I decided to give Him my all when I surrendered my mind, body and spirit to Him.  Still He wipes my tears, providing security in His loving kindness and protection. 

As with the man in the not so distant past, I never dreamed of giving God my all or allowing him to invade my sacred walls but here I lay totally under his reign, captivated by his love.  There is certainly no lust here. 

When you find yourself in a place of vulnerability, be forgiving of self and when God finds you in a place of vulnerability, be open to His love.  Surrender all and remember, He knows you in the MOST intimate way.

“I keep awake and watch and pray constantly,
that I may not enter into temptation;
the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak”
– Mark 14:38

“I trust lean on, rely on, and am confident in the Lord and do good; so shall I dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly I shall be fed.  I delight myself in the Lord, and He gives me the desires and secret petitions of my heart…trust lean on, rely on, and am confident also in Him and He will bring it to pass.
– Psalm 37:3-5

“But if we hope for that we see not,
then do we with patience wait for it”
– Romans 8:25

“I cast the whole of my care all my anxieties, all my worries, all my concerns, once and for all on Him, for He cares for me affectionately and cares about me watchfully”
– Peter 5:7

Other Suggested Scriptures:
Isaiah 48:6-7

Isaiah 55:11

Jeremiah 1:12